Below is Alex’s story about exclusively pumping after surviving sexual abuse as a child. You can read more exclusive pumping stories here. A huge thank you to Alex for sharing this story!
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I knew when my husband and I decided to have a baby that she would have breastmilk because of all the incredible things it does for developing babies (and mommies too). Unfortunately, I also knew I wouldn’t be able to have her latch on. Being honest with myself, I shuddered at the idea of my baby on my nipple. It was weird, and the thought made me nauseous. You see, since the age of five, I was molested by three family members. To this day, I still struggle with separating sex in my head as a positive or negative, and breasts have always been sexualized in my world. However, I still wanted to give breastmilk, and thus began my exclusive pumping journey.
Amelia came on a Thursday night. Long labor, but everything went smoothly. I began pumping immediately after she was born. Looking back now, I wish I would have started pumping sooner (before delivery) to produce more colostrum. The nurses tried getting me to breastfeed. They were patient and kind. Amelia got milk and she latched like a champ. I legitimately tried, but I couldn’t tell them my truth. I cried when they left and grabbed my pump. Nothing would come.
She wasn’t receiving enough milk. I wasn’t producing enough. At Amelia’s first check-up, she was diagnosed with high bilirubin levels and was jaundiced. She was placed in a UV ray incubator for 48 hours. I continued to pump and pushed out about a half ounce each 30 minute session. My baby was starving, and I felt like a failure. The pediatrician said it was okay to supplement with formula. I was so against it, but knowing my baby was in that incubator starving, I accepted it. I continued to pump.
Then, it was my turn to go to the hospital. I was diagnosed with a severe kidney infection, and had I waited any longer, the doctor said I would have had to have surgery. I had a 104 degree fever, I was extremely weak, and my pee looked like molasses. I was at an ounce and a half per 20 minute session, every two hours. Five days later I was released from the hospital. I felt like a million bucks!
I had help! My husband, articles, friends and exclusive pumping blogs were HUGE support systems. If it was suggested, I tried it, and then I tailored it all to what worked for Amelia and me. Mother’s milk and fenugreek pills (taken together) worked to boost my supply after about two months. I drink water like a fish, which helped. In the early months I pumped every two hours for fifteen minutes like clockwork. Once a day, I performed a power hour.
Every other month, I experiment with decreasing the number of sessions per day. Now, seven months later, I pump four times a day for fifteen minutes, and I get about 36 to 40 ounces! I have a seven gallon stash for after the one year mark. I’m going to pump until my boobs give out.
I currently live day by day and thank God I never gave up. The health and well-being of my sweet baby girl has and always will be my motivation.
I really needed this validation… I also can’t seperate positive and negative between sexual contact… my therapist warned me that breastfeeding “feels good” and “is sexual” and it sent a million red flashing alarms off in my brain. Since then I’ve been completely unable to even somewhat stomach the idea of a baby latched to my breast… It didn’t even occur to me until very recently that exclusively pumping was an option. Everyone is either VERY “breast is best if you don’t breastfeed you are wanting your child to be sick and die” or they’re “hey it’s okay to formula,” but I hadn’t even thought of the in between. That I can breastfeed without having to BREASTfeed.
Ok i will eat more as i dont eat too much maybe it will help me to achieve my goals.
Really u have motivated me alot.As my baby is a preterm baby and im struggling to make enough milk for her.Thanks again for sharing ur experience.
Thank you for commenting! You will get there mama don’t give up. The lactation tea really helped me produce more in the beginning stages. Also! Eat! Eat! Eat! You’ll be surprised the difference when you keep your calories up. Especially with stuff like oatmeal and fresh fruits and veggies.