The following is a guest post written by Nicole Dorion. She exclusively pumped for 8 months and wrote about her experience, feeling exhausted from exclusive pumping, and the emotions she was feeling as she finished one of the hardest things she had ever done.
2 ounces. That’s all I get now from my morning pumping session. My best of the day.
It’s not enough.
After months of exclusively pumping, I’m down to my final days. And I can’t believe how hard it is to let go.
I knew this time would come. I wished for it to come.
I loathed the pump from day one. Maybe because pumping didn’t feel like my choice.
My baby was born premature. Too small and undeveloped to breast feed, he used a feeding tube instead. My job was to pump enough milk for him.
So I tried.
I pumped before I ever got to hold my baby.
I pumped every 2 hours, day and night.
I pumped even when nothing came out.
I cried wondering why my body kept failing me.
Preterm labor. A low milk supply. I resented so much, but refused to give up.
I power pumped for an hour every day.
I pumped in the car. I pumped at work. I pumped when I was sick. I pumped myself raw.
I pumped when my baby slept through the night, cradling that black box in my arms because those painfully-exhausting midnight sessions were my biggest producers.
Tirelessly, I pumped to build and maintain a supply that was never quite enough.
I hated pumping. The lost time. The isolation. The endless wheezing and whining of that machine attached to me.
I would think “enough is enough.” Yet I was compulsively committed to it.
My baby needed that liquid gold. And longed for my body to do something right.
As broken as I felt, I became stronger than I ever imagined.
I pumped to provide for my baby.
I pumped to connect with him.
I pumped to give him the best start to life.
I pumped not because it was my first choice, but because I chose to do what I could.
Now I pump enough for just one bottle a day. His last meal before bed. The one I always get to feed him.
My heart grows a little heavier as I watch the ounces disappear. But I breathe a little easier too.
I remind myself our connection is deeper than the liquid in a bottle. That whether it comes from my body or the store, he is loved and he is nourished.
And that is enough.
Are you feel exhausted from exclusive pumping? Share your story in the comments!
Ladies, from the article to your individual stories in the comments – for the first time in 2 months I don’t feel as alone in pumping purgatory. It has felt like an island of fear, exhaustion, desperation and resentment and yet the pendulum swings back to gratitude and relief when there is a 4 ounce pump session.
Thank you for articulating in this article and your stories, what I have yet to for myself.
My NICU baby was born 5 weeks early and by some miracle has bounced back and forth between latching and bottle easily. But the focus on tracking his ounces received each day keeps me almost exclusively pumping. There is a guilt with wanting it to be over, and subsequently a grit to endure well. Thank you for giving my weary heart some encouragement.
Thank you so much for posting about your experience. I have been epumping since the first week and my baby is 9 months old. I struggled with latching… has a lactation consultant appts and used a shield but just couldn’t get what he needed. He needed some formula when he was first born because he was under weight so I think he got used to the artificial bottle so getting him to latch and stay latched was a bottle. But pumping is exhausting. It puts a strain at home when I have to pump and it always seems to be at the most inconvenient times. But I am so thankful I have been able to give him what he needs this whole time. I plan to continue until he is a year and then I’m packing that thing away! Not only was pumping hard but he had a soy and dairy intolerance so I had to adjust my diet for 4 months until I could reintroduce those into his diet and then back in mine. What a journey breastfeeding/ pumping can be. But so thankful I have been able to!
It makes me emotional to see all these strong mamas epumping. The loneliness is very real sometimes and it drives me nuts when other moms don’t understand or try to offer suggestions for my son to latch. He is 4 months and I’ve been doing this since the beginning. Counting down the days until he is 6 months and I will stop. But the guilt definitely lingers and I feel like a terrible mom for being so selfish that I want to stop at 6 months.
You’re not a terrible mom Alissa! 6 months is amazing and you should be proud!
Currently on month 7!
Baby started on solids at 6 months.
I said I was going to pump for 3 months, then 5 months…then here we are at month 7, down to 2 pumping sessions a day, total of at least 22 ounces!
But I still hate it. I think this is my last month but I feel guilty. Been back at work since 7 weeks PP and so I only get to see him a few hours a day, pumping makes me feel like his super mom, so what do I have with him if I stop?
He’s grown to well and so strong. But whew I don’t know
You are still his super mom! Lots of love and awesome job making it to 7 months!
Thank you for sharing this!!! I so needed it. Resentment, devastation, heart break, and gratitude. These words sum up my epumping life. Forced into it because teams of doctors and lactation consultants missed my little girl’s tongue and lip ties for her first 6 weeks of life. In that time we would endure constant 1.5 – 3 hour sessions trying to breastfeed, but she was always still hungry and so frustrated. I cried every session and still had to use formula on top. When my husband and I finally figured out what the problem was we had the ties snipped, but the procedure was at her 8 week mark and she was too used to the bottle. Now I pump every 3 hours to feed her every ounce I pump out – we break even every day. I have not had more than 2.5 hours of sleep in a row since the week before she was born this past May, but I am grateful. The machine that I dread spending so much time with enables me to provide the best nutrition possible for my baby. At the end of every session I am grateful – I am also grateful that this too shall pass.
This was a very emotional read for me. I’ve exclusively pumped for my son for 7.5 months now. He was also in the NICU. Pumping has been the hardest part of motherhood by far, and I’ve struggled to articulate the isolation and frustration that comes with it. It’s particularly hard when none of the moms I know are feeding their babies this way. Thank you for putting words to this sentiment.
I’m pumping for my 2 month old son. He latches well, but his LBW and NICU stay led me to pump so we could monitor volumes and ensure that he was getting ENOUGH. I could probably nurse a few feedings a day, but then it throws off my pumping schedule.
I HATE pumping. I’m sore, it’s another step, it’s frustrating. But thank you. Thank you for reminding me that if I make it another month, it’s ENOUGH. If I make it to 6 months, it’s ENOUGH. If I don’t make it another day, it’s still ENOUGH.
You are doing a great job Michelle! Congrats on your beautiful baby!
Thank you for this. I am 9 weeks postpartum and I’ve exclusively pumped since day 4. Starting two week ago, I began experiencing every single word your article/ post & I felt alone as a mother and ashamed. After reading this, I’m glad to know I am not alone and to cherish the last few drops I have to offer my son. Thank you!!
I relate to this so much! I have been exclusively pumping for 6 months. Probably once a week I tell someone (my husband, my best friend, myself) that I’m sick of it and I’m going to quit….but then I don’t.
I have read this about 10 times and cried each time. Today she is 8 months and I have been exclusively pumping the whole time. I hate it. And every month I have said that I would stop the following month. And then I don’t. It’s hard to talk to others about it when I didn’t understand why this is such a difficult rollercoaster love hate relationship. Thank you for putting words to what I am feeling and for sharing your story.
everyday. 8 months in now. cant wait for that 1 year…
I am epumping for the second time now. I’m 4 months in and wishing I could decrease pumps and supplement with formula, but my husband is 100 % against formula. I know, I know, it’s my body and ultimately my choice, but I live with the guy and I just don’t want to argue all of the time. He is a great husband with a blind spot in this area because he’s in university and just studied the history of formula. I can say as a second time mom and pumper, it really doesn’t matter all that much how the baby is fed. The connection is much more important. But I also always find myself in that “I’ll stop after this month, but I still keep going after all” mindset lol so I researched and found an amazing quality organic formula that I feel good about and I sneak some feeds to my baby when my husband isn’t looking lol! I wish that the “good stuff” type formulas were cheaper and more accessible. I’m still epumping, but the formula helped a lot during my baby’s growth spurts or if I was tired and pumped 4 oz less than usual in a day…I feel at peace now. A peace I never had before.
Your strength inspires me.